


Sacrifice

by ca_pierson



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Community: cliche_bingo, Episode Tag, Episode: s05e06 The Shrine, M/M, Pre-Slash, Tight Spaces
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-09-04
Updated: 2010-09-04
Packaged: 2017-10-11 11:37:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,031
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/112014
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ca_pierson/pseuds/ca_pierson
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nobody wants to tell Rodney anything.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Sacrifice

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to darkmoore for the beta!

The last few weeks had become a dim, dreamlike memory for Rodney, but he'd looked at what they'd recorded and the more he saw, the worse he felt. Seeing the slow spiral into stupidity on the recording made it that much worse to bear.

He'd have died. Because that's what that essentially was. The death of everything that mattered to Rodney. And as upset as he'd been that his team had decided to go for saying good bye – something he still thought was a rather selfish thing to do, because who knew, there might have been something modern voodoo could have done eventually – he was also immensely thankful for what they'd done.

"Mer?"

Feeling like he'd been caught doing something he really shouldn't be doing he turned around towards the door. Jeannie was standing there and the expression on her face was so … he couldn't describe it. It was like she couldn't quite believe that Rodney was alright, a peculiar mixture of fear and hope that Rodney found hard to grasp. "Hey, Jeannie," he told her and turned back to the screen he'd had to pause for the umpteenth time already so he could regain his composure.

"You shouldn't watch that," she said and Rodney didn't know how she'd snuck close enough for him to see the wave towards the monitor. "It's … painful."

The admission on her side wasn't such a surprise; he'd known it had been hard for Jeannie to see him like that. They'd called her to Atlantis. Called her to Atlantis so she could say goodbye and it was unimaginable what that had done to Jeannie. "I'm fine now," he said instead and Jeannie looked at him like he'd lost his mind again. "Really," he insisted and pushed play again.

_"John?"_ he heard himself asking and had to stop watching it immediately. Jeannie was right, it was painful to watch. That was him on the screen. He'd been calling for John like a scared kid.

"Nobody will tell me anything," he said and closed the laptop with an abrupt movement that made Jeannie jump a little.

He watched Jeannie swallow and then she looked at him and the pained expression on her face was replaced by determination. "You said you loved Jennifer," she said, "but you screamed for John when you were afraid." For a moment it looked like she would stop there, but then she sat down heavily on his couch and her voice grew gentle as she continued, "You barely knew me, but you never forgot John."

"He sacrificed me to say goodbye," Rodney blurted, because that's what it came down to, didn't it? John had wanted to go to the shrine, had wanted Rodney to be … himself again for a day instead of trying everything else first. After refusing to say goodbye when it would have meant the world to Rodney. He still remembered that, the adamant refusal, them sharing a beer on the pier … feeling safe when John was around.

Jeannie shook her head. "No, I don't think that's why he wanted to go. And it saved you, didn't it?"

"He was taking a stupid chance," Rodney ground out and he didn't know where the feeling of betrayal came from. Maybe because he'd felt safe with John, because he'd have done anything John had told him. He didn't know.

"Mer," Jeannie interrupted him when he was just about to open his mouth to give her a lengthy list of why he didn't appreciate stupid risks with his life. "John loves you," she said and Rodney couldn't do anything but gape at her open mouthed. "He does. And I know you love him, too. You two are … good for each other."

_Good for each other,_ he repeated in his head, stunned that Jeannie would think like that. "We're not … John's not like that," Rodney muttered, looking away casually, hoping that the lie wasn't visible on his face. He intensely wished Jeannie wouldn't stick her nose where she had absolutely no business. John was career Air Force. He couldn't be that way inclined. Even if he was. Which he wasn't.

"If you say so," Jeannie told him, she sounded skeptical. "But whether I'm right or not doesn't matter. He's your friend and yes, he loves you."

"Like one friend loves another," Rodney couldn't help but add a bit vehemently.

"I thought you were a bit more open-minded," Jeannie told him, a frown of disapproval on her face.

What could he say to that? That he wouldn't hesitate to take a chance on John if they could? That he would love nothing more than crawling into bed with John every night for the rest of his life? That he thought the Uniform Code of the American Armed Forces was wrong, wrong, oh so wrong and that he wanted nothing more than being able to … what? Settle down with John? Have a life with him? "He's a Lieutenant Colonel in the US Air Force, Jeannie," he said instead, like that answered everything and to Rodney it kind of did. Never mind what John felt, never mind what Rodney felt. It could never be.

Jeannie, however, just wrinkled her nose like she'd smelled something unpleasant. "What does that even mean?" she asked.

"It means that it doesn't matter how open-minded I am, he can't do anything about it unless he wants to risk his career and his way of life and end up in a military prison if someone happens to want to make a statement," Rodney muttered and he could see when Jeannie made the connection and wished he'd kept his big mouth shut just this once.

"You love him," she stated. "You love him that much?" she then asked and Rodney just shook his head mutely. "God, Mer, if you love him that much why won't you give him a choice? Tell him and–"

"Are you out of your mind?" Rodney asked harshly in the hopes Jeannie would just stop asking these questions already, but she just looked at him, like she had no idea what he was talking about. Taking a shuddering breath, Rodney hugged himself and tried to explain. "You've met him; does he strike you as someone who happens to make a lot of right choices? He wouldn't even be here if he hadn't made a ton of wrong choices along the way. I'm not going to give him the rope to hang himself with. I'm going to keep my mouth shut and so will you."

"Mer..."

"No. I'm fine," he stressed. "I'm fine and I really do like Keller."

Jeannie gave him a long look that Rodney had always hated. Like she knew something about him that he didn't know himself. It made him uncomfortable and he had to stop himself from fidgeting under her gaze. "Alright, Mer. I won't say anything. But I think you're making a mistake. Jennifer Keller is nice, I'm not doubting that, but–"

"Don't say that," Rodney whispered and couldn't help his hands coming up, wanting to clap them over his ears so he didn't have to hear her if she actually went ahead and kept talking. "Please, please don't say it. It can't be."

At that, she hugged him close and he held her back as she said, "I love you, Mer."

Rodney just buried his face in her hair and told himself that it was going to be enough. John's friendship, Jeannie's love, and Jennifer's company, between the three he might actually be fine.


	2. In The Closet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rodney and John have to hide and things are aired that they should probably have talked about months ago.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again thanks to darkmoore for the beta. If it hadn't been for her this sequel (that I'm now posting as a second chapter, because they really do belong together) would never have been written.

**Title:** In the closet  
**Author:** ca_pierson  
**Beta:** darkmoore  
**Fandom:** Stargate Atlantis  
**Pairing:** pre-McKay/Sheppard  
**Rating:** PG  
**Cliche:** Closets, caves, elevators and other tight spaces  
**Warnings:** None.  
**Summary:** Rodney and John have to hide and things are aired that they should probably have talked about months ago.  
**Words:** 2.727  
A/N: Can be read as a sequel to ["Sacrifice"](http://community.livejournal.com/piersonfanfic/18473.html), but can stand alone as well.

 

# In the Closet

  
by Cassandra Pierson

Rodney wasn't fine. Not fine at all. Actually he was so far away from what could be called "fine" that it might as well be in another galaxy. Mainly because he was in a closet and not the metaphorical one, no, that was an entire separate matter. It was a real closet, with a surprisingly strong door. That had been the only place that was big enough to hold him in the room when he'd looked around quickly after Teyla's frantic radio call. _"Hide,"_ she'd said, and he'd obeyed instantly. That alone would have been alright. Really, the closet wasn't big, but definitely spacey enough for a fully grown man. The problems had begun when John had pushed in after him. They'd turned and jogged each other until they were pretty much flush against each other, John pressing Rodney into a corner so they didn't push the door open.

It was one of the most embarrassing things that could have happened. Because as much as he'd decided not to pursue this thing between John and himself, as much as he knew he had to be the sane, responsible one in this matter, John so close was a bittersweet thing. John's hands on Rodney's back, John's breathing warm against Rodney's cheek, John's front tightly against Rodney's. It was a delicious kind of torture and Rodney knew if John had asked him anything right at that moment, he'd have told him everything.

But all John did was breathe and hold Rodney still as they listened to rapid footsteps in the room and loud voices demanding to know where the outsiders were. Apparently the council wasn't quite as powerful as they chose to believe, because Rodney was sure he heard the words 'burn' and 'faithless' through the thick wood.

Rodney swallowed heavily, but he didn't move or speak, not even when they heard the men leave. There were a few things he'd learned over the past few years: never leave a man behind, never give up, never speak in situations that might lead to the untimely demise of the whole team. Instead, Rodney waited for John to make the first move, to let go, to push out of the closet. But John didn't.

The closeness was making Rodney uncomfortable. Not because he hated tight spaces – he did, but he hated death and maiming more – but because it was John, touching him. John so close that Rodney's nose was full of John's smell and if he angled his head just so he could have nuzzled John's neck. And his body thought it was great. Heavenly.

Part of Rodney wanted to jerk away desperately, because his dick started taking notice of the smell and the closeness and Rodney was scared to death of what would happen when John felt an erection poke into his hip. Other parts perked up in interest and pretty much wanted John to stay right there. His body just didn't get that this was a Very Bad Idea ™ and it had to stop now. Nothing could happen between them. Things hadn't changed since Rodney had realized that he was actually in love with John. Nothing would change anytime soon, either. Rodney had to protect John, even from himself – no, especially from himself. Had to make sure nothing ever happened between them because John could lose everything; had to make the hard choice for both of them. Losing John wasn't an option, so having John wasn't an option either.

"I think they're gone," Rodney finally whispered after what felt like an eternity, his voice so low that it didn't travel any further than John's ear. He couldn't stand it anymore, the tension, John's hands on his lower back, his body warm against Rodney's. Couldn't take it; he had to get out. "You can let go."

John pulled back and now Rodney could see the surprised, almost pole axed expression on his face in the dim light that fell through the gaps of the door. "Rodney?" John asked.

Damn it. He knew. Oh God. John knew. "John, let's get out of here and we'll never talk about–"

"What if I want to talk about it?" John asked and he sounded bitter.

Rodney wanted to throw his hands up in pure disgust at the whole situation, but there was no space. "You never want to talk," he hissed.

"You know exactly how I feel about you," John told Rodney, his voice low and accusing, "don't you? You've known for years and you've never said a word. I thought it was because …" John trailed off, his voice full of hurt. "When were you gonna tell me?"

"Tell you what?" Rodney asked, wanting this conversation to be over already. There was nothing to talk about. He couldn't do this, not here, not now. Not ever.

John laughed. It wasn't one of his fake ones, but it sounded so desperately unhappy that Rodney had to shudder. John pressed back against him, like before, until they were touching from their foreheads to their knees and Rodney could feel John's erection press into his hip just as his own dug into John's.

"This," John said, rubbing himself against Rodney slightly, making a point. "When were you gonna tell me?"

Rodney's heart missed a beat. At least that was what it felt like. "Never," he whispered against John's lips. So close, so very close. John was so close and Rodney couldn't help but lean in even more, their lips almost brushing. Rodney wanted John so much. Always had, from the moment he'd seen John in the chair in Antarctica he'd wanted him. But John was Air Force, he was the fucking military leader of the military on the base.

"God, Rodney, why? You knew–"

"Yes I knew," Rodney cut him off, snappish and unhappy. "Of course I knew. For someone who never sees it coming you aren't completely incompetent when it comes to flirting."

"But you like me back," John whined the way only John could. "So why didn't you let me know? We could have–"

"No." Again, Rodney didn't let John finish. Couldn't, really, because while Rodney was very rational even he had his limits; hearing John actually say it would have broken his resolve and Rodney couldn't have that. "No, no we couldn't have. I can't let you throw away your life like that. You're the military commander of Atlantis, you're in the United States Air Force," Rodney said and he knew that the last four words had come out like a curse. "You know what will happen when someone finds out that we're … that we're …" He didn't even know what to call it. 'Love each other' was so wrong, because Rodney didn't know what John felt and consequently couldn't let John know about that. Finally he settled on, "that we're fucking. You could lose everything. Don't you see that?"

"Rodney …"

"No, you don't get to 'Rodney' me. You're reckless and you have a track record of doing stupid things," Rodney said and he would have gone on if John hadn't framed Rodney's face with his hands and pulled him into a searing kiss. For a strange, hazy moment Rodney thought about pushing John away, but his last bit of willpower had been brushed away by the warmth of John's mouth on his.

"What if I don't care?" John asked against Rodney's lips. "What if I would much rather give us a try instead of being afraid of what could happen? None of my men would sell us out, you have to know that."

"That's not the point, John," Rodney moaned, refusing to open his eyes. "You're insane." But it was only token resistance and John knew that. "And with the Daedalus and the 'gate bridge we get enough new people that we don't need one of our people to do that to us."

"Fuck, Rodney, we're not going to broadcast it. And don't I get a say in this, too? It's my life as well, you know? If we both want this then I don't see what the problem is. I'm not going to be–"

Rodney's eyes snapped open and he looked at John in horror. "No. No no no. Oh no. Don't even go there." It was like an enchantment had been broken and he moved back as far as he could, cursing about the fact that they were having this discussion in a fucking closet. "You just assume everything will be fine and it doesn't matter how thin the ice is. But I won't let you do that. That's exactly what I told Jeannie and–" Rodney stopped himself. Damn it, why did John have to make everything so complicated? The thought of John being shipped back to Earth and ending up in a military prison was the only thing that helped Rodney stick to his original plan of not letting it happen. If John had just accepted that Rodney didn't want to talk about it this wouldn't be so fucking hard, but no, not Colonel John I-don't-do-feelings Sheppard.

"Rodney," John tried again and the pleading in his voice was almost too much to take for Rodney. "I don't think you–"

"No." Rodney was nothing if not stubborn.

"What the fuck good does it do us if we're both hurting?" John said and Rodney could hear that he was getting annoyed now. "You're fucking unhappy and bending yourself out of shape for Keller. When she's there, you're somebody else."

Rodney felt John retreat to the other corner of the wardrobe. He'd heard the worry in John's voice. Worry, anger and bitterness. Rodney couldn't just let it stand like that. So he went for the truth.

"She cares for me," he whispered. "I knew I couldn't have you and I thought … I thought that with your friendship, Jeannie's love and Jennifer caring for me I could … I could do this. But she–"

"She wants things from you that you don't think you can give," John butted in and the inch of space between them melted to nothing again. "But you can't be who she wants you to be all the time, Rodney. It doesn't work like that."

Rodney had known that for a while, but part of him had figured that if he stayed with Jennifer, he was unavailable. Then John could move on and find someone else; someone more acceptable to the US military.

When Rodney was silent for too long, John – who didn't give up easily at the best of times – tried again. "It's my choice, too. And Rodney, this isn't just about attraction. Not for me. You're … I'm … fuck, this is hard. Please, give us a try. I know that they don't like seeing relationships between team members, but does it actually change anything? When one of us ends up in the infirmary, the rest of the team is always there anyway. It'd all be the same."

"John, I can't–"

"We could be discreet, if that's really what you want. Hell, we spend most of our free time together anyway. We're best friends, everybody knows that. It doesn't have to be such a big deal and no-one would actually notice."

"I said no," Rodney told John weakly. It wasn't that he didn't want – he wanted, oh so much – it was just that he couldn't put John in jeopardy like that. John, who'd always protected him, who'd refused to say goodbye to him when the parasite had been in his brain; John, who'd step in front of Rodney when they encountered strangers; John, who always looked out for him.

"Sometimes you're fucking annoying, you know that?" John asked with a breathless laugh that didn't make any sense at all.

Confronted with the unfairness of that statement, Rodney threw back, "And you have no survival instinct." He immediately regretted that because John stilled against him, like he was holding his breath.

"I'm not trying to get myself killed. God, I thought we'd been over that. _"The good of the many outweigh the good of the few, or the one._" John intoned and the silly thing was that Rodney knew John actually believed that and he seized the opening viciously.

"See? This is exactly what I'm saying!" Rodney hissed and gave John a push into his corner of the closet. "You actually think that's true and that your life is worth less than anybody else's, which – by the way – is blatantly not true. You don't care if someone reports us and you end up in a tiny cell for good. But I care," by then Rodney was almost yelling. "I care and I won't let you do this. The Uniform Code is a fucking stupidity, but if I have anything to say about it – and I most certainly have – you're not going to be punished for liking me more than you should."

"Don't ask don't tell?" John asked and there was something incredulous in his voice. "What the fuck, Rodney? What does that have to do with anything?"

"Everything!" Rodney shouted. "It's got everything to with this. Because I love you and I won't let you get locked up for this."

John was silent for a moment, then he started to chuckle. That became a full out laugh until John was leaning against Rodney.

"This isn't funny," Rodney snapped, but he didn't push John away again.

When John answered his voice was still full of amusement. "Yes, yes it is funny. Rodney, 'Don't ask don't tell' has been gone for months now."

"What?" Rodney asked, stunned.

"Yup," John said and then his lips were on Rodney's, brushing a kiss against them that – to Rodney at least – tasted of happiness. "Gone. For months. There was a memo."

"Months?"

He could feel John's grin against his skin and for a scary moment Rodney thought that yes, this was actually going to be possible. He didn't have to be noble anymore. Didn't have to sacrifice his own, no both their happiness for John's wellbeing. It was a heady, stunning feeling. Tentatively he reached out, his hands brushing against the naked skin of John's arms.

"Yes, Rodney, months," John repeated, gently. "Also, what did you think I would have done if 'don't ask don't tell' would still have been in effect? Get on a table in the mess hall and tell the whole expedition that I just got out of bed with you?" There was another snorted laugh and Rodney wished he could see John's face.

"You flew a nuke into a Hive ship," Rodney snapped at John. "What am I supposed to think? So what the hell have you been talking about then?"

"Me? Fraternization and I can't believe–" Then their sanctuary was filled with bright light and John and Rodney both blinked owlishly at Ronon, who didn't even bat an eye.

"Been looking for you," Ronon told them. "They're gone now, you can come out."

John looked at Ronon, then at Rodney and he must have seen something in Rodney's face that he didn't like. "Give us another minute, Ronon. We'll be right out."

With a shrug Ronon closed the door again and they could hear him stomp around in the room. He could be amazingly loud sometimes, considering he usually moved like a cat.

"So we'll try, then?" John asked and he sounded as insecure as Rodney usually felt.

"Yeah," Rodney agreed, letting John pull him close. "We'll try."

The kiss that followed wasn't hesitant at all. It was searing and hot and everything Rodney had thought it could be. John's hands settled on Rodney's ass and when they broke apart for air, John hugged him. Not something that came naturally to John at all, Rodney knew that.

"You think Keller will try to stab you with a scalpel when you break up with her?" John asked and there was something devilish in his voice.

Rodney groaned. He hadn't even thought of Jennifer. Didn't really want to, either, but he knew he'd have to do something about the budding relationship he had with her. "Jennifer is a professional, she wouldn't do that," Rodney replied, then frowned. "She wouldn't, would she?"

John snorted a laugh into Rodney's ear and it was the best sound Rodney had heard ever. He'd been wrong. John's friendship would never have been enough.

The end.


End file.
